Monday, April 04, 2016

First important task: Wedding Date?

Perhaps one of the first things people start to do during wedding planning is to determine the wedding date. Venues in Singapore get snapped up really quickly, with some kiasu brides booking almost 2yrs in advance for popular venues.

From my one experience, I would think this shouldn't be a starting point. A starting point could be to align wedding expectations and the different background and cultures you are from.

The wedding date was a source of major conflict for us. It made us really upset, it made my parents really upset too. I was really upset because the 'myth' of "wedding planning confirm got conflict one" fell on me really early. I thought we would not succumb to this, especially since we had talked broadly about the wedding before.

I come from a freethinker background, the HTB's family comes from a Buddhist background with strong superstitions.

I do not believe in auspicious dates.
I believe the couple will be happy if they work together to make the marriage a happy one.

I do not believe the wedding will be smooth because of a particular date.
I believe that the wedding will be smooth because of careful planning, briefing and assigning of roles. With sufficient contingency planning, one should be prepared for any situation. And should anything happen which is out of plan, clear thinking and decisiveness should solve it.

I do not believe in words of a geomancer or from a book.
They do not know me. I wouldn't think everyone born under the same zodiac sign have the same personality and mentality. If yes, come up with a dating app to match all the different zodiac combinations of an ideal couple then.

So if everyone goes for the auspicious dates, will there be no more unhappy marriages in the world? Will there be no more divorce? No more marriage challenges? I do not think so.

And if we have very little auspicious dates, what I am supposed to read into this? That we are incompatible? That we have less chance of being happy together? That it is a higher chance for bad luck to befall on us? I do not believe so.

While I use "I" above, my parents are generally of the same view. So they were really worried when we were so stressed and unhappy about the wedding date and venue. To some point, they were really upset too.

I have always thought wedding date should be determined by the couple based on perhaps the ideal month to get married (then check on availability), or perhaps a meaningful date to the couple.

In the end, somewhat luckily, we did get the month that we wanted. Why? Because I told the geomancer my parents and I will have no qualms about getting married in lunar first and second month. Meaning the geomancer assumed for me on my preference.

Like I said above, he doesn't know me.


1) Do not start with the date

Start with listing down what exactly the couple wants from the wedding. So the couple aligns their thinking first, and feel more like a team, and can take on any battles which come along. Subsequently, take in the parents' considerations if need be. Parents' considerations are not the couple's considerations. But it is accommodated should they have an extremely strong view.

2) If you demand more, clearly explain your thinking

Explain in detail where you are coming from and do not expect people from a different background to understand. Explain from a point of view of standing in the other party's shoes. Put it in a way that will not worry the other party and make them at ease.

3) If you demand less, be prepared to always feel lesser-off

Simply, you will always be at the lower end of the see-saw. There is no equilibrium since you demand less. A friend told me before that one should just demand for stuff, just so it feels more equal. But I do not want to, because it contradicts what I believe in the wedding. So I need to accept the lesser-off feeling - which is not easy for me because I have strong pride.

4) Manage your parents well

Do not expect the other party to know your parents. You should be the one to convey their thoughts, and manage them when meeting. You are the link between your life partner and your parents - and assuming you know both really well, then you should be in a good position to manage this. Do not throw the other party into the unexpected, simply because backgrounds differ, and one may not comprehend.

5) When conflict arises, stay calm
While I say this is a tip, but I rarely practise it. Because I think quite quickly, and naturally will get agitated really quickly too. You may think this is jumping into conclusions - but flip the table over and it could be the other party giving too little information which led to this conclusion. It takes two to clap.

But yes, slow to anger, definitely agree to that and must implement it. For a peaceful and healthier relationship.

Honestly, after all these while, thinking about this still makes me really upset. I wonder when I will ever get over this, or what closure I require or mentality to be seeded. 

And this is not the end. We still have another roadblock: Auspicious Time. Which we will only get in August.



  1. was reading your smu interview post and wow you used a lot of singlish in the past...

    1. well that was when i was much younger ;)


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