Saturday, October 12, 2013

Reflections

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

It has been more than a year since I've blogged. Along the way, I guess I lost the meaning in blogging - finding it a hassle to upload photos and update, when these could be easily done on Facebook. But not everything can be said on Facebook. or even my private Twitter. It doesn't give me the outlet to sort out my thoughts, to try to put everything in place, and to move on

This post should have probably made its way to my livejournal, since it contains my innermost private thoughts. But I guess lj is dead already, no? So if anyone happens to chance upon this, well, judge me however you want. 

Yesterday, I felt my heart breaking, when it shouldn't be the case. It has been awhile since I felt so upset, and I have been trying to think of exactly what I feel upset about. After all, it has just been 3 months of knowing this person. and get it right, it is just knowing, and not anything more. In short, I met a guy who was shuyi's friend's colleague. We texted, went out... and then suddenly, communication lessened and the bomb was dropped yesterday. 

I should have (or did) seen it coming, but it is something I cannot understand.

I was admittedly head over heels just talking to him for what, first two days? simply because he was really funny and like a positive source of energy. when I was really in the pits of my life with work transition which made me really stressed. He also sort of reminded me of ex #2 - the same fun, extroverted type that I like. and I should also add that he and ex #2 are the only guys whom I probably liked first. All others were... well, people whom I grow to like after much communication (or in the case of #1, it was persistence, and I was a stupid fool then). shuyi reminded me to get a grip on myself, and I guess I did. I may talk about it exaggeratedly to her, but I was cautious (or at least, at the start). I always felt it necessary to know someone better, to start of as friends. But perhaps it is because all my relationships started from school? You will have to start of as friends anyway! But that did keep things abit more innocent, and it is this innocence that I miss. You don't have so much expectations or considerations; you simply know someone, know him better, and then progress into a relationship. Knowing better takes months, or considering my past, even up to a year at times. I don't think I am the sort who just jumps into things - I lack spontaneity.

anyway, the texts became, for the lack of a better word, more flirtatious. which I didn't reject. I initially tried to ignore it as part of the "guard myself" process. but it was hard to resist, and I admittedly did play along with some. Once, I decided not to ignore and just ask about it sort of. That was when he suddenly spammed me with chinese lyrics of love songs and then also a photo of himself. Like out of the blue. What was I to think?? So I just asked him whether the lyrics he typed is real or whether he is toying. I got a reply that he is not toying, just needs more time to think. 

At that time, I did feel vulnerable - like damn, I let down my guard and I guess he knows too. That was just 1 month since we met. Too fast for the tortoise in me. I did feel ashamed of myself. Like perhaps because I yearn to be in a relationship again after 2.5 years, that I lost my principles to get to know someone better first. How can I be like that? That's not me. I guess such things happen with age? As I age and see more people on my newsfeed getting married and engaged, it is inevitable that I worry about being alone. Because I really hate being alone. Whether is it as a kid, or even like eating alone outside. And now that there is no more school, it feels more lonely than ever. When  you start work, it seems like your friends get filtered to only those few who are you close to and will meet. and well even then, it is not as if they will always have time for me.

I enjoyed texting him, though it may not be much in a day. I enjoyed going out with him too, though I wish I spoke more then - somehow I always do not have that much to say, unlike when I'm out with other friends. During one of the outings, I met his mum, sister and niece. I was actually quite shocked by it, but decided it was fine - not like friends cannot see parents right? I also met zh's parents for dinner before - though only once, and I am sure they are aware that we have been friends for the longest time and nothing more. But thinking about it, I wonder what his family thinks - about him bringing a strange girl (and just her alone) along whom they have not known before. If they didn't find it strange, does that mean that it is a norm for him to do such a thing? Then, there was ktv with his cousins and sister too. I really tried my best not to think too much about it, but it is hard, ain't it? shuyi once asked me, what if he turned out to be a player, what will I do? I told her I will cry and never trust a guy again. It will be too much for me to bear. Because I really did think him to be a good person, who would not cheat or even test options. 

After the second month, the conversations seem to die down, and of course I was sad and didn't know what's up. So I thought, that's fine, maybe I should start initiating anyway. Though daily text were minimal, the text contents still swayed me. despite the minimal texting, I would say there was still abit of flirting. What "can't sleep without you", saying about going USS together, initially agreeing to go HK (I admittedly wasn't really serious when I asked, I expected a rejection), and even considering whether to go Chunkfest with me on the week that he dropped the bomb. In his exact words, he said he hoped I won't miss chunkfest because of him. I was confused. Perhaps he didn't know I was anal about words, and even punctuation (yes, I am that anal). He gave me hope, yet not talk to me. Was it because he was bored of me? Or was he too busy at that time? What was I to think?

And so, the bomb. On Friday night, he told me that he couldn't go Chunkfest. Well, considering he took a week to tell me, I actually thought maybe he forgot all about it. Then came the long text about how he needs to let me know something unpleasant, and that he is not ready for commitment, it is not my problem, and that he had a really bad relationship in the past which caused him to lose faith in people. I guess I can understand the losing faith in people part. But what totally confounds me is how he approached it from the start. If there was all this trauma in him, shouldn't he be approaching with caution? Instead of all the flirting and perhaps thinking too much from the start? What was I? his plaything? someone to torture for him to get revenge on females? What did I do to deserve this? I will say that I met him without expectations - I didn't even see his photo, I just know him as a friend's colleague. I didn't want to assume. It could have been a new friend (and just a friend), or it could be something more if it is meant to be. But I guess we never exactly started of as friends to begin with; I was never put in a crossroad of having it develop into something or to just be nothing. It seemed to always be on a lane of making it something. And then he suddenly decided to pull the brakes, put me through an emotional rollercoaster, and then let me know this. 

I must say that I find what zh said to seem quite true: if it was really something he wanted to work towards, he would have tried to tell me about it, and not have it end like this. it is as if he didn't want to work things out in any case.

Deep inside me, I wish this didn't have to end this way, and I still harbour that glimmer of hope that we can still be friends, or perhaps something more in the future. I still think he is a good person, and I'm glad that he told me all of this. But I wish our whole 3 months of meeting was approached differently. As friends, and perhaps if we did feel like taking it to be more than friends, then to let me know about the trauma and how we could work it out.  Perhaps it was just the wrong approach. Or perhaps this was just an excuse because he met someone else - something which I choose not to believe, because that will make him a bad person in my mind, like sort of stepping into two boats or testing options.

Though I said I still want to be friends, I wonder how realistic that will be. It will still need two parties to want and work towards it. Definitely need a downtime between each other, but for how long? Will I lose another friend, whom I don't want to lose?

And though he said it is nothing to do with me, I won't believe that. I can't believe that anyway. Last year, I did text/go-out with a uni friend. I will say it was approached rightly as friends, and I didn't like him in the initial few months that we text. And sort of ended up rejecting him a few times without thinking too much about (I was just not free those days for movies...). But I did slowly feel that I quite like him, just because he was a nice person. Not exactly funny, but nice. Then, after going out for quite abit (like every alternate day), he suddenly didn't text anymore. I guess I was sad, but not entirely crushed. He never mentioned he liked me nor flirted with me, and well, i guess I rejected him one too many times. Perhaps this was my life lesson that time waits for no man. 

But yeah, so adding on this uni friend and him, it is like two people who just stopped talking to me. Of course this fills me up with self doubt. Is it something about me? what is that thing about me which makes people not want to talk to me? Am I boring? Do I say the wrong things? I know all these self doubt is unattractive. Confidence is key. But, can you blame me?

Or did I perhaps appear too desperate? and appear wanting immediate commitment? I guess for people who have known me for the longest time, they would know that I always wanted to marry young and start a family. My ideal marriage age was always 24, 25. but that is long gone. I would still want to get married in the near future, but I know it seems bleak. I wouldn't want to go into a marriage not knowing a person well, and I think I take very long to know someone. 

At times like this, I will always hate the ex (#3). took up all my time in uni, and didn't work out in the end.  ruined my entire marry young plan. And deep in me, I knew I should have ended it long ago, because i could see things changed, but I thought we were trying to work things out. Apparently not eh? I must say I was always the braver one to face things, while he swept stuff under the carpet. The final straw came when i probed and he said he didn't know whether he liked me - what a bloody waste of my time. Yes, I know I shouldn't blame him fully for it, it is my fault for not knowing and mixing with other people, ending up with an extremely small social circle instead. I guess in a sense, that was my stupid form of 'loyalty'? Not to purposely know more guys and open myself to possible temptations (from either way) i guess. It makes me wish I approach uni life differently; I guess I wasn't mature enough then. But life goes on, and regretting is a waste of time. 

And it is also at times like this when people will say move on, there are more guys out there, blah blah. Reality is that most good guys are taken or gay. And don't blame it on my supposed high expectations. A guy being funny, older, taller than me, decent job and loves his family really doesn't seem that much to me. In fact, I should think that most guys should be like that! People say pick up lessons to meet guys, or go do volunteer work. That is something I cannot accept, and perhaps why I never do any volunteering. Because I am approaching it with an ulterior motive and that's just not right in the aspect of volunteering. Lessons? what lessons? Then there is always the option of dating agencies, but...that just takes away the innocence of it all. You will not go with a mentality of meeting a new friend, it will be of to find a partner. That's just sad. 

Or people say the right one will come.  You know what, the right one will not come. We are not living in a drama. In fact, I steered off dramas for some time because watching it hurts a lot. Variety shows were my life saviour to bring laughter to my otherwise mundane life. However, last night, I tried to 'drug' myself to sleep and couldn't even bring myself to watch Running Man because of Monday Couple. It just hurts. 

I guess writing all these sort of put things into perspective for me. I did think it made me feel better. I don't know what are the next steps for me, or whether there are any next steps. But I shall just try to keep myself busy and get over this. In fact, I already feel less upset having penned down all my thoughts. No more heart wrenching feeling (or perhaps I'm feeling abit pissed now at the possibility that I was a play thing). 

I will just keep myself occupied with healthy activities like exercise. Today i went kickboxing, tomorrow I'm going hiking, perhaps I'll go swimming soon. And if you are my friend, do ask me out and add on to my distraction as well.

and I hope I can sleep tonight.

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